Clawless - The Novel - Excerpt

Here's a little taster of the REAL Clawless Novel!

Get your claws sharpened and ready for the drama, cat fights, hissy fits and all things cat'a'licious!

 

                       

Lights! Camera! Action!

            It was raining cats and dogs - but mainly cats - outside the MacTartan Manor, family home of the fabulously wealthy late Wee Jock MacTartan. He‘d been known in the business world simply as Canny Jock, cat slumlord and designer of breakaway collars and other practical feline fashions before, with the urging of his family, opening the fashion HOUSE OF LE CLAW for cat couture.

            Seated behind the late Jock´s carved zebrawood desk was a black cat of thin fur and sly gold eyes, who appraised the gathering while rustling the papers from his briefcase. Once he locked eyes with the gorgeous widow of Wee Jock, Solange (formerly) du Chat. They exchanged ‘a look’.

            High up on top of the bookcase sat Jock´s younger son and right-paw cat, Arfur, mending what looked like a cape. 

            A pile of fabric piled in a chair held the plush and fluffy form of the elder son Clawde, who was doodling designs on a sketch pad.  He was, like his brother, jet black but unlike him had a dash of white down his front.

            Close by hunkered Clawde´s mate, the gorgeous tabby and white Clawdette, who indignantly observed the byplay between Furry Faceon and Solange.

            "We are gathered here for the reading of the will," Lawyer Faceon began. "Here´s the deal. Arfur, nothing changes about your position--you will go on being the cat who is the cat’s- body while everyone else takes the glory. Clawde, you get the House of Le Claw to share with your brother." And Lawyer Faceon started packing up the papers.

            "What about this house - the other assets and all the money?" Clawdette cried. “What about all the money!“ She realised she was shrieking now and jumped down from the mantelpiece  where she had been sitting to observe all around her.

            "Oh, you can stay here. Other money?" Lawyer Faceon asked. "There´s nothing here about other money” .

            Solange fluttered her long lashes at Faceon and asked "What about me? Surely my beloved Wee Jock has left something for me?"

            A lone tear ran down her furry cheek and she dabbed the tear with her purrfectly manicured paw.

            Clawdette stared murderously at Solange. How dare that cheap alley-cat show up today. She had only been married to Wee Jock for what seemed like minutes ... possibly because it was minutes! She had married him on his death-basket.  Surely that couldn´t be legal? Her very beautiful green eyes narrowed as she made a note to herself to check with Lawyer Faceon exactly what the legal position would be. Surely she wouldn´t be entitled to a share of the will? She also decided to have a word with the Clawless Costume Designer as Solange´s gown looked more expensive than hers.

            A clap of thunder crashed overhead.  It echoed the tension in the room. Solange gave a short cry and Clawdette took the chance to say something..

            ´Solange, I recognise that dress. I had one just like it until I gave it to the charity shop!´ She giggled whilst Solange, owner of Le Chat Models - scowled at her.

            Clawdette’s tail curled around her and she purred remembering her early morning session with purrsonal trainer, Handsome. Clawde didn´t love her and never had but she had found what she needed in the paws of the gorgeous black and white tom who attended to her every day.

            Purrdita, their handsome Burmese kitten was nearby, licking at a saucer of cream and uncertain as yet what to say.

            Clawdette watched Clawde as he dived into a plate of Fancy Feast, tuna flavour - ´He loves food more than me´ she told herself and shuddered.

            Clawde looked up to see his mate´s reproachful look. "What?" he asked silently. "Of course I love food more than her. She loves food more than me too. What´s the big deal?"  Once every male cat has been on ‘that’ trip to the vet - they all preferred food to queens.

            Furry Faceon played his cards close to his chest. If Solange played HER cards right there may be a portion of the fortune for her - the part that he already embezzled to help fund his catnip habit!

            Arfur looked down at his beloved wife, Furnella, and squeezed his eyes together. She returned the eye squeeze and leapt nimbly to the top of the bookcase to be with him. Love would keep them together, come what may.

            Clawdette banged her little paw down on the table where she sat en route to her basket.

            ´But wait Furry Faceon ... Cut to the quick. What did the old geezer, er ... our beloved father in law ... leave for his um, widow ...´ She glared at Solange and crossed her paws in the hope he will say ´Nothing´. She gestured to her cheek to Clawde by way of telling him that he had food all over his face. She wondered if he had left any for her.

            Furry Faceon looked blank. "Oh, the widow. Something I imagine--her jewels, that kind of thing. There´s a lot of fine print. I suggest the lady in question visits me at the office and we´ll go into the details of any possible additional bequests." He waggled his upper whiskers suggestively.

            Clawde scratched behind his ear. "Vague kind of will for pops to leave behind. He was usually such a pain about being thorough."

            "Mr Faceon, that sounds like a purrfect idea" Solange purred to Furry Faceon, ignoring Clawde. She turned to Clawdette, flashed a broad smile and elegantly left the room.

As she turned to close the door behind her she surveyed the scene behind her, thinking

            "Ahh enjoy your peace my furry step kittens, it won´t last long"

            Catching Furry´s eye, she winked and blew a quick kiss and closed the door before anyone else could see her.

            Clawdette scowled at Clawde. ´How dare he imply that the alley cat may have been given anything more than a few collars?´

            She made a note to redecorate the house from top to bottom and to have Purrdita wormed.  She sneaked a glance at Furry Faceon and wondered if it was worth  flirting with him? From under her basket she pulled out a hastily scribbled piece of paper and held it high above her head. It said ´Last will and testyment of Wee Jock ...´ Look I have a will. She read ...

            ´I leave NOTHING to that shabby, moth eaten old moggie that I mistakenly married having had one too many grogs!!´

            “LOOK!” she said … hoping that no one will look too closely at what she has in her paw! (or that it is written in her paw writing).

But wait .. what is that mad laughing noise that filled the room as if from over the Rainbow Bridge? 

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 So, our wunderpurr readers, that brings us to the end of todays little nom nom taster!

We hope most utterly sincerely that you've enjoyed it and will spread the word to help save the lives of many kitties that the profits of this novel go to support.

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You can purchase the book from any of the following:

 

Amazon UK

Amazon USA

Barnes and Noble

Authors Online

 

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Thanks from all the Clawless Crew

The Clawless Climax!

Anna looked around. "Where is Mogue! I have given my life to Mogue! I HAVE Mogue!"

"Uh, no mew don´t. They replaced mew. Nobody is irreplaceable. Mew certainly aren´t. They hired someone more approachable and compassionate. Everybody loves Furrnando, the new Editor in Chief" said Monk removing an imaginary flea.
"What about my friends?"
"Exqueeze me? Firends, mew said? chuckled Monk waving his foreclaw at Anna. "Can mew name one?"

"Er.. no"

"Well, there mew have it. Alone, jobless, your fur is matted, your fellow residents at the retirement villa purrtend they are dead when you enter the room and nobody loves you. That is your furrture. But... furrture is the only thing mew can change....So, what is it going to be?"

"Okay! Okay! You win! I´ll change! now please take me back! Please! Please!" Anna begged.

"As mew wish!" With that Monk whisked her back to her room. Anna felt relieved to see the familiar furrniture, her Tiffany lamps, the fireplace... She licked her fur and started purring. "Now, remember, this is your chance! Go do something nice!"

Monk disappeared into the air and Anna looked around her. "I had better do it now then..."

The bell rang at the McTartans´. Clyde opened the door and was surprised to see Anna Winpurr carrying a truck load of purresents.

Clawde scampered up the stairs and whipped up some pressies for Anna on his sewing machine.

"Arfur, Anna is here.....with.....with Presents? Is she drunk, honey?? Furnella was totally confused. The power of Catmas and Miracles and all, but really! "Maybe she would like to adopt a kitten?" Arfur asked.

Giggling Clawdette quickly wrapped up a purrsent ´How to dress sensationally´ by Clawdette Le Claw´ and added a label on ´To Anna´. She was wearing a little (very little) Mother Catmas outfit complete with wings.
Clawdette threw some music on the stereo and begins to dance to ´I wish it could be Catmas Every Day´ by Wizzard´ and wondered if anyone fancied Spin the Bottle?

Teddy blinked when he saw her - she was thinner than the thinnest feral he had ever seen. Was she homeless but if she was why then is she wearing jewels? He plucked up courage to kiss Purrdita under the mistletoe.

The cast of Clawless gathered round the piano with Tex and Marmalade playing and broke into their rendition of ´White Catmas´.

And outside the snow fell.

We wish mew a Happy and Merry Catmas!!!

Tiny Teddy blissed out by the fireplace raised a glass and said ´God bless you every one´!

ROLL CREDITS.

´MEOWY Catmas everybody, from the cast, crew, writers, directors, and producers of CLAWLESS, the only ALL-CAT SOAP OPURRRA!!!
(
"Come on Arfur, lets deliver those presents to the cat shelter before Anna changes her mind...or sobers up! Furnella puts on her Santa hat and waits for Arfur to join her.

The voice of a narrator

“So nightfall er, falls on our intrepid cats as another day ends at the house of Le Claw - except for some the day is about to turn into a NIGHTMARE”.

Clawdette carried on sleeping but wonders who the voice belongs to?

Tex & Marmalade muscle in on the action!

Clawdette felt herself being pulled back to her basket at the castle, the fat reappearing faster than as if she had eaten 20 good dinners. She was dropped somewhat violently back into her basket and she scowled to camera. Really ... couldn´t this flashforward be done with more finesse? All that acting was making her hungry and she went off to fix a snack for herself and Clawde.

Clawde did not understand the flash forward. He got rich and famous but he couldn´t eat all he liked any time he liked? What was the point then?

Furnella stirred in her basket with dreams of kittens all around her.....
Arfur was right in those dreams with her, changing tiny litter boxes and cleaning up the kids after their two o´clock nursings.

The she-cat was standing and looking over the railing of a bridge. Below her the river was a raging torrent. She was wearing a tattered coat and her beautiful golden eyes mirrored her distress and her fear. Looking around to see if there were any cats about she stood mesmerized by the swirling water, She shivered at the thought that had just crossed her mind, but she valiantly tried to resist the voices inside her head that were telling her to jump....

Anna Winpurr´s eyes widened in horror at the sight. "Who is she? And why does she want to jump. Most cats hate water, especially water as clearly life threatening and as dangerous as that."
Monk lifted a quizzical eyebrow "You don´t recognize her, do you? It´s you. And this is what will become of you if you don´t listen to me. Your future will not be glorious or glamorous. You will be lonely, unloved, bankrupt and afraid. You will come full circle and return once more to poverty and despair. Listen to me now and avoid this tragic end..."
Anna Winpurr´s fiery temper exploded. "You are crazy! Stark-raving mad! All of you ghost-cats are certifiably nuts! I am Anna Winpurr! How dare you show me such preposterous nonsense! There´s no way this will ever, ever happen to me! Bah Muggerbug!!! Enough is enough! "

Monk remained calm throughout Anna´s tirade. "Ah, you are wrong, my gorgeous furriend. Your future will be filled with sadness and despair, if you don´t heed my warning tonight and find a way to stop saying "Bah Muggerbug" to the purromise of love."

Back in the castle the whole of the Le Claw family were eating breakfast noisily. Presents lined the hall (and Clawdette got a few more online to make it really interesting). she was regaling them with some hilarious story which they listened to whilst they loaded food onto their plates. Tiny Teddy realised that he was not cold - for the first time in his life and his little feral eyes filled with tears of happiness. Clawde squeezed Clawdette´s paw - glad to see all the food after the strange flash-forward. Even Purrdita had taken off her headphones and put her mobile phone down. She caught Tiny Teddy´s eyes and smiled at him.

Clawde was indeed very relieved to see the Catmas din din. No being svelte and stylish just yet, thank mewness!
Tex and Marmalade waved at the camera.... They had forgotten their lines but just wanted to be part of it all.

Clawdette, Snoozing & Tiny Teddy!

Tiny Teddy snoozed on in his bed unaware of the drama playing out around him. For the first time in his life he allowed himself to dream and to feel safe. Oh this Mctartan family were sooooooo exciting and kind - especially the junior members.

Clawde thought surely he must be starving and reduced to adject poverty but his mewing was interrupted by the harsh if whispurry voice of a ghost saying, "Shut up or you´ll ruin everything. Your diet worked and mew are no longer morbidly obese, but on a healthy nutritious diet complimented by regular vigorous exercise. Mew are very, very rich and very, very famous and must show a youthful and handsome face, tail and everything in between to your public. Your designs are worn by royalty and world leaders´ cats, actresses and authors, all of the rich and famous who don´t design as well as mew do. So stop bawling and get out there and look prospurrous."
Furnella swore she could hear mewing coming from down the hall.
Arfur asked sleepily, "Is the kitten monitor on, love?"

“Yes, yes, it is“, she tossed in the basket. What a restless night.

Clawdette heard something similar to Clawde and purred happily. The voice was telling her that she was not only stinking rich but was a successful interior designer designing homes for the rich and famous who just couldn’t be bothered going to IKEA themselves. The collar around her neck was indeed diamonds and she was certainly a size zero. A real size zero - not one of those ones that Clawde and Arfur made for her with the ´large´ label taken out. She purred with joy and looked around her at the palace that made their mansion and Castle Clydula look like a garden shack. Tabithia shuffled around but wore a proper uniform and not the dirty old apron she wore at the castle. ´Oooooh I like this flashback/forward´ she thought happily. ´I think I will stay here´.

Ikea Furniture, Cattie Awards & Tom Cat Ford!

Clawdette was arranging furniture in the castle´s now comfy but looking- like- an IKEA- catalogue, drawing room. She sneaked a look to see if Tom Cat Ford was looking before putting up a whole row of Catties on the mantlepiece Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Character, Best Fight Scene, Best Storyline Best kitten, Best Baddie, Best Guest Artist .... was there enough room for them all ! She shoved that stupid pregnancy test of Furnella´s and a few family photos of them with the kittens out of the way to fit them all in. Then she smiled contentedly.
Now it´s a Happy Catmas - she purred.
Snuggled in his fur lined bed by the roaring fire Tiny Teddy dreamed of Purrdita.
Clawde tossed and turned in his sleep. He felt like he was being watched!

------------------------------------

Back at Anna´s "Bah! Muggerbug! Muggerbug! Muggerbug! Can´t a cat get some sleep in her own house? I can live without food but not without my daily 3 hours of sleep!!!"
"Don´t mew mean 18? Uhm... cats sleep 18 hours... " pondered Willow-Maya.
"I need 15 hours of self grooming! I can´t go around looking like... a domestic cat!"
"OK!. Anyhoo, think about all I said. I´m leaving you now. You will be in great company in a while. Use your time wisely" And with that Willow Maya left the building, leaving Anna in a very foul mood.
She decided to get comfy in a basket by the fireless fireplace. Just when she was about to fall asleep, a cold wind came through the chimney into the room. The already chilly temperature dropped a few degrees. A thick white fog wrapped around Anna, and she suddenly felt a gloomy purresence.
"Mother.... is that... you?" she asked, trying to reach around her.
“Nope, I am not your Mother, although I hear interesting stuff about her. My name is Monk, I am the ghost of your Catmas future and trust me, Ms Anna Winpurr, it won´t be a pretty future if you carry on with this "Bah Muggerbug" stuff. Tis the season to be jolly, ya know. But that´s another story...come with me now...come with me and see the future..."

Anna groaned and hissed at the morose face of Monk , " Go away! I don´t like you. I am getting mighty sick of all these ghosts invading my dreams."
Monk, the Ghost of Catmas Future gazed at Anna ominously. "Going away is not an option for me. Gotta do what I gotta do to knock some sense into such a gorgeous feline."
Anna cringed just a little at the sound of an organ, it could have been bagpipes too...either way it was an eerie sound...and as it died away Ms. Anna Winpurr and the smokey-gray, Ghost of Catmas future, Monk, disappeared into the mist once more...

---------------------------

Clawdette rolled her eyes again as she lay in the basket with Clawde. ´Gird yourself Clawde we´re off to another flashback if I´m not mistaken´.
Clawde groaned - in the last one his clothes felt far too tight and he had woken up feeling sore as if he´d been .... dancing? As the ghostly paw snatched his ruff and plucked him from his basket however, pwinking him forward into the future (as opposed to back to the future) he felt his cat´s pyjamas loosening, his frame grow lean, and he felt a strange and yet familiar feeling, though it was amplified many times over--what was it? Oh yeah! HUNGER!!! For some reason, though he clearly remembered downing a can of Fancy Feast moments before he popped into his basket, he was suddenly STARVED. "Meeyew," he said in a small hoarse kitten voice. "Mi Mi Mi Meeyew."
Clawdette too was picked up by ghostly paws and pwinked forward. She felt her tum tum deflating like it did after her wonderful beauty treatment with the boys (note to self - must do it again) And what was that sensation around her neck? Was it a diamond collar? Could it be that she was slim and wearing extra bling? Whoooooosh! CLAWDEYKINS!

Castles, Kittens and Uncle Clyde!

Back in the Castle, Anna, invisible to everyone except Willow-Maya, checked out the luscious Catmas decoration. Lego and Domino were running up and down the tree, and suddenly Domino knocked it down by jumping on it in a moment of excitement. "Those pesky kittens. But here comes the hunky one with the hot accent. " said Anna. As Clyde approached the fallen tree, he licked little Domino on the back of the ears and picked up the tree with his supercatural strength. "Oh! Next time, then" Anna said.

"Can you see that love? It´s all about forgiveness. No need to be ugly to others. Look, the kittens are now sitting on his lap and he´s going to read " ´Twas the Night Before Trystmas" to them. and look in this room..." said Willow Maya leading Anna into the study where Arfur, Furrnella and Furrnando were. Anna rolled her eyes as if really bored. e

In the mean time Uncle Clyde finished his story and left the wee kittens on the couch, as they had fallen asleep--or so he thought!
The moment he was out of sight Domino nudged Lego with a paw and whispered, "Come on Brother," as she lept off a cushion and back into the Catmas tree.
Pouncing with 'visions of sugar plumbs' and all, Lego landed on top of one of the gifts under the tree, shredding the wrapping with his sharp lil kitten claws, which made an amazingly loud "Ssshhhcrippppsh" sound.
Domino, from a branch above her brother, paused and then giggled as she slid down the front of a huge present! "Ssshhhcrippppsh," went the wrapping!
The sound was so exciting that the kittens ran round the tree for what felt like hours, pouncing gifts and shreding the wrappings until suddenly they were both so tired they thought they would pass out--as kittens do after such a raucus play time.
Before resting her head on a bow, Domino, being the observant one, suddenly with wide eyes shouted, "Lego!"
Lego looked in the direction Domino's eyes were facing and spied a small tag lying on the tree skirt which read "To Clawdette, my love. From your dearest Clawde."
They both *giggled* and went to work rewrapping, and swapping tags on all the presents.
When Uncle Clyde emerged from his dungeon later that evening, he smiled at the sleeping kittens curled up together under the tree. "Oh the innocence," he whispered to himself. He had to pause and wonder at the dreamy giggle coming from his napping niece, but just shrugged his shoulders and went about his business.....
Arfur was sitting at his desk, going over the books. Furnella was humming "Santa Claws is Coming to Town" as she put the finishing touches on her purresents for her beloved husband and kittens. She looked up at her husband and smiled at his intensity and took a moment to reflect on just how much she loved her dashing husband, Arfur. She placed the gifts under the tree and padded over to him and gently nose kissed him. Furnella purred. Arfur purred, and together they shared in each others love-purrs. Willow-Maya watched the scene and smiled a tender smile and then she turned her gaze onto Anna. who was watching as well. Anna was grimacing, and in a valiant effort to bite back the tears that were threatening to overwhelm her once more, she turned to Willow-Maya in desperation, and said, "Get me out of here, I beg of you please, Willow-Maya, get me out of here."

Clawde and Clawdette were in the kitchen stuffing their faces with a selection of Fancy Feast and Whiskas. Tiny Teddy was watching them amazed. He had never seen cats eat as much. Clawdette burped and Clawde laughed and nose kissed her. Clawdette licked his ears back and left Fancy Feast all over them. They both purred happily.

Anna stared amazed. How could they eat like that? But it did look like fun ...and how could they love each other when they were so .. so FAT.

As Furnella wrapped a catmas present for her Arfur, she wondered how to tell him about the "extra special" Catmas present they will both recieve. She patted her tummy and hummed a little tune. "I wonder how the whole house is going to react!"

"How´d the shopping go, dear?" Clawde asked.
"Fine, Clawdey, except that Tiny Teddy had to run back into the shop because he furgot his mittens or something. At least he has mittens to furget now." Clawde smiled and didn´t mention his visit to the cold offices of Mogue, where the poor cats were slaving away. Anna did not seem to be around right then. She might have been off peeing on someone, he supposed, but he had really wanted to invite her to the castle for Catmas. She needed some real fun. He had left her a note and another fruitcake--with anchovies.

Tiny Teddy lay dozing by the fire, groaning with happiness at being so warm and cosy on such a cold day when normally he´d have been sleeping in a damp hedge. Earlier he had slipped back into the shop and spent the tiny bit of money that kind Uncle Clawde had given him on some fluffy toys for the kittens, some ribbons for Furnella, Clawdette and Furnella, and Fancy Feast for Clawde and Arfur. He´d bought raw liver for Clyde. He sighed again happily.

Anna Winpurrs present... a great gift or just right now?

Meanwhile back in Anna Winpurr’s present, Willow Maya said "Come, Anna. let´s go inside together.. Look closely at what has been created by the Great Jock MacTartan. He is a quiet hero. In each and every cat inside these castle walls he has left a great and wondrous legacy, the legacy of love, not just on Catmas but all year round and for this he is greatly respected and honored by all who have descended from his loins. Here, the full spectrum of cat emotion resides be it naughty or nice. This is an amazing castle.. Look Anna look closely and watch even more closely. See once again and with your eyes wide open, the feel and the look of LOVE..... 

Wee Jock´s ghost glided up to peer over Willow-Maya´s shoulder. She had it all wrong, of course. The castle never was his. It belonged to Clyde´s vampire mentor Count Catula and nobody much loved him. But it´s a good story and she was saying nice things about him so who cared about the facts? He sounded so good to himself that a wee tear trickled down his nose thinking of that kindly cat who had passed on--such a lovely laddie! (he really should have been nominated for at least ONE Catty, but that´s another story)

Meanwhile back in the flashback, Purrseys, NY, Clawdette and Peckham were eyeing up the toms and totally ignoring their department - fashion accessories. Clawdette was thinking of the big party she was going to that night at the very wealthy Wee Jock McTartan´s. It would probably be dead dreary as he had to be 10 at least!
Clawdette noticed a very plain queen cat sidling up the counter. She was thin and wore thick glasses and when she spoke she had a broad Scottish Highland Fling accent.
´Ouch ay the noo ...´ said the cat.
Clawdette looked puzzled and then saw a gorgeous tom standing nearby. ´Quick - get rid ... gorgeous tom at 10 o’clock´.

The cat, who was of course Annie as she was then, was holding a little blue silk scarf and trying to ask if they could charge it to her 10 credit cards - just a ´wee bit´ each ...

´Ooh take it!´ screamed Clawdette throwing it in a ´Small Purrsey´s bag´ and then preening herself for the handsome tom.
Annie shuffled off with a store detective in close pursuit and cleared Clawdette´s view.

Annie may have been shuffling but she was secretly clicking her back heels together and jumping up with joy. She had her purrecious Catmas gift as a Catmas gift from the kind shop girl! How wonderful! Catmas really was miraculous!

Ghostly paws picked Clawdette up and returned her to the village shop where she found herself, once again, sitting in front of the Old Crone who worked there. Tiny Teddy was staring at her strangely - so was the Old Crone but as she was so odd it was hard to tell the difference.

´Oh Peckham ... it’s a hunk. Quick!´ Er ... Clawdette saw that she was in a village shop in Catsylvania and not a department store in Mew York. She blinked. ´Oh I feel odd´ She sank into a small basket nearby, placed there for customers who need to take a ´moment´ and the elderly ….

´Just wrap my packages and deliver them to the castle WRAPPED will you old crone. I am exhausted and need some fresh air´.

The Old Crone nodded obligingly but secretly decided to ´forget´ the order just as soon as Clawdette left. She was afraid of the castle.
´Come Tiny Teddy ... let us go to Pawbucks across the road and have some light snacks before we go back´.
Tiny Teddy obediently followed Clawdette marvelling at the sophistication of the local village.

Tiny Teddy and a Crone??? Whatever next???

Clawdette had reached the village shop with Tiny Teddy and the Old Crone who
worked there was once again pretending to hide but Clawdette reached down behind the counter and pulled her up by her scruff .
Old Crone - we wish to buy presents. This is Tiny Teddy, my er ... well he is a guest´.
´At the castle?´ asked the Old Crone as lightning crashed and flashed overhead and a bolt of thunder narrowly missed the store.
Teddy watched in amazement and hoped she would not say the word ´castle´ again but she did and the same thing happened.
Clawdette waved a paw ´I want a boring jigsaw for my sister in law. With a piece missing´. The Old Crone reached up and pulled down a dusty box, she blew the fine layer off it opened it and tossed a piece out. Tiny Teddy sneezed. ´A new sketch pad for my beloved mate, Clawde the famous fashion designer´. The Old Crone found one of those as well. ´Some catnip toys for two very naughty and tiresome kittens´. These too were found. ´And a map of the world for Arfur as he likes to explore´. The Crone climbed up a very tall ladder to get that while Clawdette studied her list. She had planned to get Teddy his own cellphone but how could she with him standing beside her? And what would she get Purrdita? Such a difficult girl. Teddy’s eyes lit up when he heard Purrdita‘s name.
The Old Crone seeing her hesitation sighed as if tired and bored.
´Old Crone ... do not sigh when I am addressing you! I am a customer and the customer is always right. I used to work at a shop once myself.´

Then as if in a dream Clawdette could feel ghostly paws picking her up and flying her to Purrseys in Mew York where she had once worked to supplement her tiny income as a new model.

The much younger and (much) slimmer Clawdette was behind a counter chewing something and looking around her excitedly. ´Peckham ... Peckham ... there are so many handsome toms in here today. We just bag ourselves a purrdner’ Peckham took a discreet slug of a drink concealed in a water glass.

"How´d the shopping go, dear?" Clawde asked.
"Fine, Clawdey, except that Tiny Teddy had to run back into the shop because he furgot his mittens or something. At least he has mittens to furget now." Clawde smiled and didn´t mention his visit to the cold offices of Mogue, where the poor cats were slaving away. Anna did not seem to be around right then. She might have been off peeing on someone, he supposed, but he had really

The moon... oh the full moon...

The moon was high, full. Starry orbs glittered brightly in the night sky. Anna Winpurr bit her lip as she stood perfectly still on the top of the hill leading to the Cottage. Another dream was bringing her here, she knew that now, Anna shivered and padded silently down the hill. Now she stood inside the burnt out hollow of the Cottage and looked around with mixed feelings as poignantly sad memories mixed it up with happier times. She felt overwhelmed. Anna winced and waited...for something, anything to happen.

She did not have to wait long. The night sky was brilliantly white all of a sudden. Anna shielded her eyes from its´ heavenly glow. Once it died, standing before her was a rather angelic looking ghost. She was willowy, lithe and as white as freshly fallen snow. She was strumming a guitar and humming the last strains of ´Give Peace a Chance´ mixed with a healthy dose of "All You Need is Love."

She seemed somehow familiar to Anna. It was almost as though they had met before. Anna smiled despite herself. This ghost’s presence was soothing her aching heart...not just a little… but a lot.
Willow-Maya purred and then she smiled benignly as she read Anna´s mind.
"Yes, dear, we have met before in the haunted rooms section of Castle Clydula. Exciting time that, don´t you think? I loved modelling those fantastic Clawde creations. By the way, I am Willow-Maya your Catmas present, so to speak. Come now and let us look together at three Catmas presents. Perhaps the Catmas spirit will find you on this night.
Anna sincerely doubted it, and yet her battle worn heart warmed to Willow-Maya’s gentle smile as once more she strummed the opening chords of "All You Need is Love."
The ghost and Ms. Anna Winpurr vanished together into the night.

Suddenly they materialized at the very headquarters of Mogue Magazine. It´s Catmas Eve and her remaining employees, all three of them, are doing the work of 10 cats. Molly Daman´s Cellphone rang to a Jingle Bell Rock tune, but the other employees gave him a stern look. One of them, Betsey Blythe begged him "shhhhh! Do mew want to get fired too? The old bat won´t hesitate to send mew packing as well! Then Queenie and I will end up doing YOUR job too! I would like to leave this office before the year ends, at least.... Please! change that tune! Better yet! Switch it off!"

"But it´s Catmas Eve!" replied Molly "My boys and the missus miss me! And I miss them... We shouldn´t be here working today. And mew know what? I don´t care if I get fired. There are many magazines out there, but I only have one family". He stood up and took a nice cat stretch.

"Please, don´t! Stay! Do it for us! we´ll never leave this glorified sweatshop if mew leave!" implored Queenie.

Molly hesitated. He knew the girls also had families they wanted to go back to. "Okay, okay. Let´s just speed it up, girls. Maybe we can finish all this by tomorrow morning"

"Old Bat! She called me Old Bat! Oooooh she is SO fired!" said Anna watching in awe.

"What do mew want them to call you? Seriously. Mew had a choice, to be respected or to be feared. Mew chose the latter. Just because they are afraid of mew, doesn´t mean the respect mew" said Willow-Maya while tuning her guitar

Catsuits & Poncho's - Who knew?

Clawdette squeezed herself (once again) into a little cat-suit and slung a poncho on over the top. ´Mew can come too´ she told Tiny Teddy whose eyes looked around appreciatively for Purridita. ´Is Purrdita coming too?´ he asked and Clawdette frowned. ´No. I may be buying her present. Just you. Now hurry and don´t dawdle. We will bring Foo Foo and those ghastly kittens too if you promise to look after them.´
Lego and Domino groaned, they hated shopping with their Auntie Clawdette, she always behaved so badly.
Tiny Teddy was dying to see what a shop was like but he wished his beloved was coming.
Arfurr slipped Tiny Teddy a wad of bills and said, "Maybe mew would like to buy a present for at least one or two family members yourself, Tiny Teddy?" Tiny Teddy stared in amazement at the cash. He had never had money before. ‘I have made them little gifts’ he said ‘but maybe I could donate this to the ferals?‘
Clawde put on his hat and muffler and his snowboots--he´d already got good mittens. Clawdette raised a whisker at him, looking askance.
"Oh very well, if mew must know, I am very worried about poor Anna Winpurr all alone on Catmas. I want to go ask her to come to din din with us."
"Oh, Clawdie, that old cat will ruin everything!" Clawdette mewed.
"Yes, dear, but she wasn´t always like that and it is sad for anyone to be alone on Catmas." Clawdette wondered if she should throw another tante but decided that a flounce was more apurrpriate. She founced off with Tiny Teddy and Foo Foo feeling a flashback coming on.
Clawde shrugged and headed for the Mogue offices, remembering the sad pinched face of his former love.

Blame & Betrayal!

"But most importantly, Anna, why do you still blame yourself for the fire?"

"It was my fault" sobbed Anna. "I was so happy, I’d just gotten my first big check as a reporter for Mogue. I felt we needed to celebrate. My... husband... was still at the war but he wrote, telling me that he’d be sent home for Catmas later that year. It was one of the happiest days of my life! I decided to buy the best organic chicken I could afford. It was all going well, the kittens loved the smell of real chicken; Grams was making some of her best Ginger Beer. I realized I had forgotten the catnip dressing for the green salad... I remember all this as if it was yesterday... I went back to the shop to get the mugging dressing... and I realized I forgot to switch the stove off.... I ran back to the house and on my way there I saw the explosion... everything went up in smoke and flames!" She couldn’t control her emotions any longer. Minerva bit her ghostly lip and then licked Anna on the forehead. It didn’t make any difference to Anna, because she couldn’t feel it... but somehow she felt comforted.

"It wasn’t your fault. You did switch the stove off. You are obsessive-compulsive, remember? Grams lit her cigarette on the stove and SHE forgot to switch it off. She has Old-Timer’s disease. Which still makes it unintentional."
"You say they aren’t very far away... how can that be? I have searched all over the place for them!"
"You didn’t look in the right place, that’s all" said Minerva warmly.

"Will I see them again? and will I see.... him?

"You’ll just have to be patient. My work here is done. But you will be visited by two more ghosts. Now, try to be a bit nicer to them... this is not an easy job, and we do appreciate kindness and cooperation"

"That’s it? You are leaving me? No answers?.... You don’t know! You don’t know where they are! You are not the most efficient ghost, are you?"-Minerva started fading- "Wait! Wait Don’t go! I didn’t mean that! I was joking! come back!" Anna looked around her in desperation, but she suddenly composed herself. "Bah! Muggerbug! I don’t believe in ghosts anyway. It must be hallucinations due to... well... starvation".

Mogue Editor in Chief... a flashback... ???

Meanwhile back in Anna Winpurr’s flashback …

Minerva watched as Anna slowly began to compose herself. Minerva marvelled at Anna’s ability to bounce back and reclaim her composure from her nightmarish memories of betrayal. Anna was one fiercely proud feline, Minerva thought, but she was also a miserable and angry one. Minerva smiled a little sadly and reflected that this was not always so. Anna Winpurr had been happy once...oh yes, indeedy.. very happy indeed.
Minerva said soothingly,
"All better now?"
Anna winced painfully and then grimaced. Her eyes narrowed dangerously as she hissed at Minerva, "Are you still here? Why don’t you just go away? You are extremely annoying."
"Part of my job, deary. Ghosts tend to be annoying, since they are in the business of haunting. It’s a tough job but someone’s got to do it. Have some tea, dear. Eat a little Fancy Feast. Your journey continues now!"
"I am neither hungry nor thirsty and I am NOT going anywhere with you, if I have anything to say about it."
Minerva´s eyes twinkled mischievously as she shrugged her ghostly white shoulder. "Suit yourself. I hear eating and drinking tea isn’t your strong suit these days. But as for not going anywhere with me, actually dear Annie you don’t have a great deal of choice....You are going, like it or not..."
Minerva raised a ghostly paw. The study went up in white smoke again and when the smoke cleared Anna found herself standing with Minerva on the threshold of yet another dream.
Minerva smiled. "Remember this place? Such a lovely cottage, don’t you think? You were happy here for a time. Do you remember?"
Anna’s eyes widened incredulously. Minerva continued, "You had family here, you had the love of your grandma, your son and your daughter kittens. You laughed, you played in the sunshine and you celebrated life often and whenever you could."
Anna was fighting back tears again..."Yes" she whispers. "I was happy, but then..."
Minerva nods, compassion filling her..."It ended. All that happiness went up in fire and smoke, your family scattered, your son daughter and grandma disappeared lost to you despite your certainty that somehow they had survived the blazing inferno of that hot August night…”
Anna yowled. It was a piercing ear shattering yowl of renewed horror and despair.
"STOP!" she screamed. "STOP! I can’t bear it. It was all my fault. The fire was all my fault. I saw their tracks when I went back after the blaze. I know they escaped and that they are alive somewhere, but I never found them no matter how hard I searched."
"You are right dear, they live and what’s more important is that they are not very far away...

And the saga heats up!

Clawde, Arfur and Furrnella felt themselves lifted by the scruffs of their necks in ghostly paws and plonked back to the castle.

Clawdette watching in her drainpipe jeans and unifursity sweatshirt began to sob.´Oooooh how sad!´. But secretly she was relieved because she never would have met and married Clawde if Anna hadn´t been fooled and foiled like this.

She felt herself being picked up and put back in her basket, having attempted to join the flashback.

Morning had broken .. like the first morning in the Le Claw household and they were sitting around the table. Clawdette was still fuming at missing out on the flashback.
´Good sleep?´ she asked pointedly.
Tiny Teddy stared at Purrdita and wondered what it would be like to nose kiss her.
Clawde and Arfur exchanged glances. They had the distinct feeling they were naughty last night but are not sure why.

´I am going Catmas shopping today´ said Clawdette. ´To get your presents so don´t be trying to follow me or find out why I buy .. I will as usual be offering a list of what I would like´.

There was no reaction from the rest of the table who dreaded Clawdette´s lists. They contained such things as ´size zero´ underwear and tiny little dresses that never fitted and always caused tantrums on the day. They had all planned to buy her a gift token.
´Oh presents!´ said Tiny Teddy ´What are they?´

Furnella made a mental note to buy Clawdette a plus size dress. Arfur probably wouldn’t let her give it to Clawdette, but maybe when he thought about the look in her eyes as she opened the large matronly dress, he would agree. Someone should put that woman in her place and Furnella thought she was that someone.
Arfur and Clawde put their heads together and decide that this year they will have Clawde´s label maker design custom counterfeit labels in size 0 to sew into the appurrpriately sized clothes they buy for Clawdette. That way she can use them, will have a happy Catmas, and they won´t have wasted their money.

Arfur would have to stop Furnella´s plan to give a big plus size to Clawdette if they were to have a Merry Catmas. All their plans about label switching would go to waste if not.

“Furrnella, dearest, I know mew don´t always appurrciate Clawdette´s airs and graces. And if mew want to be catty to her on her birthday, especially if she is being really annoying, I wouldn´t object, but please, don´t give her a mean Catmas present. Let us all be charitable and kind to each other on this blessed Catmas day. Purrhaps mew could give her a kitten instead? One of your homeless ones who needs a mum?"
Furrnella grinned very evilly for such a lovely cat, "Why, Arfurr, what a wonderful idea." She tried to think who of all of the kittens in her shelter was the most annoying and she remembered one who had fleas.

Clawdette made a note to get Furnella a big jig saw of a lawn - all green but with one piece missing. She sniggered to herself.

-------------------------------------------------

Who knew.... ???

Annie-Jean excitedly ran to help him offload all the yummy food while Sally-Theresa hugged him tight. "This is the best Catmas ever!" she said. Clawde subtly got off her embrace and started setting the Catmas tree. It was already decorated, which would save them a lot of time.

"Mind you, the Angel must´ve fallen off the top on the way here" said Clawde

"Not a problem, I can fix that!"Annie-Jean said, going into the kitchen. She came back with the Rat Roast and a napkin. She cleaned the rat the best she could, climbed on top of a chair and stuck it on top of the tree. "Merry Catmas, Clawde! Merry Catmas, Sally Theresa"

"Merry Catmas, Annie-Jean," Clawde said. "I hope mew girls don´t mind but I invited my brother Arfur and his new furriend Furrnella to spend the day with us. Is that okay?"
Annie-Jean was glowing and leaned against him purring. Sally-Theresa at first frowned, then seemed to get a new idea and purred. "Why, that would be lovely."

When Arfur and Furrnella arrived, Sally-Theresa was extravagant in her praise of Furrnella´s handmade outfit and the chocolate mouse she brought for dessert. She sat between Arfur and Furrnella and said in a low voice, "Annie-Jean tells me your brother is very, very rich and I can see he´s crazy about her."

"Our father, Wee Jock McTartan is rich. We are just starting out in the business world," Arfur told her.
"Is that so? Annie-Jean´s last five fiances were just starting out too but none of them got rich enough fast enough for her. Mew know, I´m surprised she fell for Clawde so fast because she doesn´t really like black cats--especially not long haired ones since they shed on her own purritty silvery fur. I hope she doesn´t break your brother´s heart TOO fast. He seems so nice." Said Sally Theresa cattily, because after all, she was a cat.
.
Oblivious to the catty coments, Annie-Jean and Clawde were having a wonderful time together and Annie-Jean was still smiling when the door shut behind her guests.
"Clawde and I are getting married tomorrow, Sally Theresa. Mew must be my maid of honor."
"Oh, I don´t think so, Annie-Jean. Clawde´s brother told me he is a very good actor but a notorious playboy. He´s only stringing mew along until mew mate with him, then he´ll divorce mew. They have an older brother who has a divorce chapel even and he has got rid of all ten of Clawde´s previous brides."
Annie-Jean (of the past) burst into tears and ran into her room and locked the door while she packed for London. She took the night train and ran away to sell matchbooks on the street--no matches, just the books. That meal was the last warmth or food she was to know until after the new year, when Mogue magazine hired her for the mail room and let her sleep under the table. In time she became Anna Winpurr as it sounded so much more sophisticated.

The next day Clawde, Arfur and Furrnella are waiting happily at the altar, Wee Jock beaming paternally at the thought of seeing his handsome son wed on Catmas day. There was a knock at the chapel door and Sally Theresa was blown in with a gust of freezing snow. She appurred very, very distressed, "Ooooh, Clawdey, I am so sorry to tell mew this. I was afurraid of it and tried to warn your brother and his beautiful furriend but I fear Annie-Jean has done mew like she did all of her other fiances and has jilted mew and left mew at the altar."
Before Clawde can say anything, so shocked and speechless was he that he began mewling into his designer tartan hanky, Wee Jock put a paw around Sally-Theresa´s shoulders.
"What a bonnie wee kitten mew are, my dear, and how good of mew it is to bring us the news. What say we go out for a bit of Catmas haggis and some eccles cakes and talk about mew and me, eh?"
"Oh, mew must be the handsome pater familiar--oooh, that is SO familiar, Laird Wee Jock!" she said as he pinched her tail. "My name is actually Solange and that Annie-Jean is truly no relation. She´s just my roommate. I am a much, much nicer and more principled cat than she is."
"And when are mew coming into see us again, dearie?" wee Jock asked licking her nose.
Giggling and letching, they left the chapel while poor Clawde sobbed into his designer hanky and Furrnella and Arfur tried to comfort him.
Furrnella didn’t quite buy Solange’s story.
"There´s something about that cat I plan to detest," she told Arfur.

Anna Winpurr pinched the bridge of her purrity nose to hold back the tears. All these years she had thought Clawde was a womanizing piece of fur. She was devastated, thinking about how different her life would´ve been if she hadn´t listened to Sally-Theresa. That witch!

Minerva could see the train of thoughts developing in Anna´s head just by looking in her eyes. She gave her a hug, but Anna squirmed,
"What are mew doing?! Get your paws off of me! And don´t condescend me! Anna Winpurr does NOT need pity! Never did! Never will!" she yelled as her voiced cracked and tears started flowing. Minerva held her tighter and let her cry.

And the Tale goes on...

Morning had broken .. like the first morning in the Le Claw household and they were sitting around the table. Clawdette was still fuming at missing out on the flashback.
´Good sleep?´ she asked pointedly.
Tiny Teddy stared at Purrdita and wondered what it would be like to nose kiss her.
Clawde and Arfur exchanged glances. They had the distinct feeling they were naughty last night but are not sure why.

´I am going Catmas shopping today´ said Clawdette. ´To get your presents so don´t be trying to follow me or find out why I buy .. I will as usual be offering a list of what I would like´.

There was no reaction from the rest of the table who dreaded Clawdette´s lists. They contained such things as ´size zero´ underwear and tiny little dresses that never fitted and always caused tantrums on the day. They had all planned to buy her a gift token.
´Oh presents!´ said Tiny Teddy ´What are they?´

Furnella made a mental note to buy Clawdette a plus size dress. Arfur probably wouldn’t let her give it to Clawdette, but maybe when he thought about the look in her eyes as she opened the large matronly dress, he would agree. Someone should put that woman in her place and Furnella thought she was that someone.
Arfur and Clawde put their heads together and decide that this year they will have Clawde´s label maker design custom counterfeit labels in size 0 to sew into the appurrpriately sized clothes they buy for Clawdette. That way she can use them, will have a happy Catmas, and they won´t have wasted their money.

Arfur would have to stop Furnella´s plan to give a big plus size to Clawdette if they were to have a Merry Catmas. All their plans about label switching would go to waste if not.

“Furrnella, dearest, I know mew don´t always appurrciate Clawdette´s airs and graces. And if mew want to be catty to her on her birthday, especially if she is being really annoying, I wouldn´t object, but please, don´t give her a mean Catmas present. Let us all be charitable and kind to each other on this blessed Catmas day. Purrhaps mew could give her a kitten instead? One of your homeless ones who needs a mum?"
Furrnella grinned very evilly for such a lovely cat, "Why, Arfurr, what a wonderful idea." She tried to think who of all of the kittens in her shelter was the most annoying and she remembered one who had fleas.

Clawdette made a note to get Furnella a big jig saw of a lawn - all green but with one piece missing. She sniggered to herself.

-------------------------------------------------

And so it continues...

Annie-Jean excitedly ran to help him offload all the yummy food while Sally-Theresa hugged him tight. "This is the best Catmas ever!" she said. Clawde subtly got off her embrace and started setting the Catmas tree. It was already decorated, which would save them a lot of time.

"Mind you, the Angel must´ve fallen off the top on the way here" said Clawde

"Not a problem, I can fix that!"Annie-Jean
said, going into the kitchen. She came back with the Rat Roast and a napkin. She cleaned the rat the best she could, climbed on top of a chair and stuck it on top of the tree. "Merry Catmas, Clawde! Merry Catmas, Sally Theresa"

"Merry Catmas, Annie-Jean," Clawde said. "I hope mew girls don´t mind but I invited my brother Arfur and his new furriend Furrnella to spend the day with us. Is that okay?"
Annie-Jean was glowing and leaned against him purring. Sally-Theresa at first frowned, then seemed to get a new idea and purred. "Why, that would be lovely."

When Arfur and Furrnella arrived, Sally-Theresa was extravagant in her praise of Furrnella´s handmade outfit and the chocolate mouse she brought for dessert. She sat between Arfur and Furrnella and said in a low voice, "Annie-Jean tells me your brother is very, very rich and I can see he´s crazy about her."

"Our father, Wee Jock McTartan is rich. We are just starting out in the business world," Arfur told her.
"Is that so? Annie-Jean´s last five fiances were just starting out too but none of them got rich enough fast enough for her. Mew know, I´m surprised she fell for Clawde so fast because she doesn´t really like black cats--especially not long haired ones since they shed on her own purritty silvery fur. I hope she doesn´t break your brother´s heart TOO fast. He seems so nice." Said Sally Theresa cattily, because after all, she was a cat.
.
Oblivious to the catty coments, Annie-Jean and Clawde were having a wonderful time together and Annie-Jean was still smiling when the door shut behind her guests.
"Clawde and I are getting married tomorrow, Sally Theresa. Mew must be my maid of honor."
"Oh, I don´t think so, Annie-Jean. Clawde´s brother told me he is a very good actor but a notorious playboy. He´s only stringing mew along until mew mate with him, then he´ll divorce mew. They have an older brother who has a divorce chapel even and he has got rid of all ten of Clawde´s previous brides."
Annie-Jean (of the past) burst into tears and ran into her room and locked the door while she packed for London. She took the night train and ran away to sell matchbooks on the street--no matches, just the books. That meal was the last warmth or food she was to know until after the new year, when Mogue magazine hired her for the mail room and let her sleep under the table. In time she became Anna Winpurr as it sounded so much more sophisticated.

The next day Clawde, Arfur and Furrnella are waiting happily at the altar, Wee Jock beaming paternally at the thought of seeing his handsome son wed on Catmas day. There was a knock at the chapel door and Sally Theresa was blown in with a gust of freezing snow. She appurred very, very distressed, "Ooooh, Clawdey, I am so sorry to tell mew this. I was afurraid of it and tried to warn your brother and his beautiful furriend but I fear Annie-Jean has done mew like she did all of her other fiances and has jilted mew and left mew at the altar."
Before Clawde can say anything, so shocked and speechless was he that he began mewling into his designer tartan hanky, Wee Jock put a paw around Sally-Theresa´s shoulders.
"What a bonnie wee kitten mew are, my dear, and how good of mew it is to bring us the news. What say we go out for a bit of Catmas haggis and some eccles cakes and talk about mew and me, eh?"
"Oh, mew must be the handsome pater familiar--oooh, that is SO familiar, Laird Wee Jock!" she said as he pinched her tail. "My name is actually Solange and that Annie-Jean is truly no relation. She´s just my roommate. I am a much, much nicer and more principled cat than she is."
"And when are mew coming into see us again, dearie?" wee Jock asked licking her nose.
Giggling and letching, they left the chapel while poor Clawde sobbed into his designer hanky and Furrnella and Arfur tried to comfort him.
Furrnella didn’t quite buy Solange’s story.
"There´s something about that cat I plan to detest," she told Arfur.

Anna Winpurr pinched the bridge of her purrity nose to hold back the tears. All these years she had thought Clawde was a womanizing piece of fur. She was devastated, thinking about how different her life would´ve been if she hadn´t listened to Sally-Theresa. That witch!

Minerva could see the train of thoughts developing in Anna´s head just by looking in her eyes. She gave her a hug, but Anna squirmed,
"What are mew doing?! Get your paws off of me! And don´t condescend me! Anna Winpurr does NOT need pity! Never did! Never will!" she yelled as her voiced cracked and tears started flowing. Minerva held her tighter and let her cry.

------------------------------------

Clawde, Arfur and Furrnella felt themselves lifted by the scruffs of their necks in ghostly paws and plonked back to the castle.

Clawdette watching in her drainpipe jeans and unifursity sweatshirt began to sob.´Oooooh how sad!´. But secretly she was relieved because she never would have met and married Clawde if Anna hadn´t been fooled and foiled like this.

She felt herself being picked up and put back in her basket, having attempted to join the flashback.