The Clawless Climax!

Anna looked around. "Where is Mogue! I have given my life to Mogue! I HAVE Mogue!"

"Uh, no mew don´t. They replaced mew. Nobody is irreplaceable. Mew certainly aren´t. They hired someone more approachable and compassionate. Everybody loves Furrnando, the new Editor in Chief" said Monk removing an imaginary flea.
"What about my friends?"
"Exqueeze me? Firends, mew said? chuckled Monk waving his foreclaw at Anna. "Can mew name one?"

"Er.. no"

"Well, there mew have it. Alone, jobless, your fur is matted, your fellow residents at the retirement villa purrtend they are dead when you enter the room and nobody loves you. That is your furrture. But... furrture is the only thing mew can change....So, what is it going to be?"

"Okay! Okay! You win! I´ll change! now please take me back! Please! Please!" Anna begged.

"As mew wish!" With that Monk whisked her back to her room. Anna felt relieved to see the familiar furrniture, her Tiffany lamps, the fireplace... She licked her fur and started purring. "Now, remember, this is your chance! Go do something nice!"

Monk disappeared into the air and Anna looked around her. "I had better do it now then..."

The bell rang at the McTartans´. Clyde opened the door and was surprised to see Anna Winpurr carrying a truck load of purresents.

Clawde scampered up the stairs and whipped up some pressies for Anna on his sewing machine.

"Arfur, Anna is here.....with.....with Presents? Is she drunk, honey?? Furnella was totally confused. The power of Catmas and Miracles and all, but really! "Maybe she would like to adopt a kitten?" Arfur asked.

Giggling Clawdette quickly wrapped up a purrsent ´How to dress sensationally´ by Clawdette Le Claw´ and added a label on ´To Anna´. She was wearing a little (very little) Mother Catmas outfit complete with wings.
Clawdette threw some music on the stereo and begins to dance to ´I wish it could be Catmas Every Day´ by Wizzard´ and wondered if anyone fancied Spin the Bottle?

Teddy blinked when he saw her - she was thinner than the thinnest feral he had ever seen. Was she homeless but if she was why then is she wearing jewels? He plucked up courage to kiss Purrdita under the mistletoe.

The cast of Clawless gathered round the piano with Tex and Marmalade playing and broke into their rendition of ´White Catmas´.

And outside the snow fell.

We wish mew a Happy and Merry Catmas!!!

Tiny Teddy blissed out by the fireplace raised a glass and said ´God bless you every one´!

ROLL CREDITS.

´MEOWY Catmas everybody, from the cast, crew, writers, directors, and producers of CLAWLESS, the only ALL-CAT SOAP OPURRRA!!!
(
"Come on Arfur, lets deliver those presents to the cat shelter before Anna changes her mind...or sobers up! Furnella puts on her Santa hat and waits for Arfur to join her.

The voice of a narrator

“So nightfall er, falls on our intrepid cats as another day ends at the house of Le Claw - except for some the day is about to turn into a NIGHTMARE”.

Clawdette carried on sleeping but wonders who the voice belongs to?

Clawdette, Snoozing & Tiny Teddy!

Tiny Teddy snoozed on in his bed unaware of the drama playing out around him. For the first time in his life he allowed himself to dream and to feel safe. Oh this Mctartan family were sooooooo exciting and kind - especially the junior members.

Clawde thought surely he must be starving and reduced to adject poverty but his mewing was interrupted by the harsh if whispurry voice of a ghost saying, "Shut up or you´ll ruin everything. Your diet worked and mew are no longer morbidly obese, but on a healthy nutritious diet complimented by regular vigorous exercise. Mew are very, very rich and very, very famous and must show a youthful and handsome face, tail and everything in between to your public. Your designs are worn by royalty and world leaders´ cats, actresses and authors, all of the rich and famous who don´t design as well as mew do. So stop bawling and get out there and look prospurrous."
Furnella swore she could hear mewing coming from down the hall.
Arfur asked sleepily, "Is the kitten monitor on, love?"

“Yes, yes, it is“, she tossed in the basket. What a restless night.

Clawdette heard something similar to Clawde and purred happily. The voice was telling her that she was not only stinking rich but was a successful interior designer designing homes for the rich and famous who just couldn’t be bothered going to IKEA themselves. The collar around her neck was indeed diamonds and she was certainly a size zero. A real size zero - not one of those ones that Clawde and Arfur made for her with the ´large´ label taken out. She purred with joy and looked around her at the palace that made their mansion and Castle Clydula look like a garden shack. Tabithia shuffled around but wore a proper uniform and not the dirty old apron she wore at the castle. ´Oooooh I like this flashback/forward´ she thought happily. ´I think I will stay here´.

Catsuits & Poncho's - Who knew?

Clawdette squeezed herself (once again) into a little cat-suit and slung a poncho on over the top. ´Mew can come too´ she told Tiny Teddy whose eyes looked around appreciatively for Purridita. ´Is Purrdita coming too?´ he asked and Clawdette frowned. ´No. I may be buying her present. Just you. Now hurry and don´t dawdle. We will bring Foo Foo and those ghastly kittens too if you promise to look after them.´
Lego and Domino groaned, they hated shopping with their Auntie Clawdette, she always behaved so badly.
Tiny Teddy was dying to see what a shop was like but he wished his beloved was coming.
Arfurr slipped Tiny Teddy a wad of bills and said, "Maybe mew would like to buy a present for at least one or two family members yourself, Tiny Teddy?" Tiny Teddy stared in amazement at the cash. He had never had money before. ‘I have made them little gifts’ he said ‘but maybe I could donate this to the ferals?‘
Clawde put on his hat and muffler and his snowboots--he´d already got good mittens. Clawdette raised a whisker at him, looking askance.
"Oh very well, if mew must know, I am very worried about poor Anna Winpurr all alone on Catmas. I want to go ask her to come to din din with us."
"Oh, Clawdie, that old cat will ruin everything!" Clawdette mewed.
"Yes, dear, but she wasn´t always like that and it is sad for anyone to be alone on Catmas." Clawdette wondered if she should throw another tante but decided that a flounce was more apurrpriate. She founced off with Tiny Teddy and Foo Foo feeling a flashback coming on.
Clawde shrugged and headed for the Mogue offices, remembering the sad pinched face of his former love.

Blame & Betrayal!

"But most importantly, Anna, why do you still blame yourself for the fire?"

"It was my fault" sobbed Anna. "I was so happy, I’d just gotten my first big check as a reporter for Mogue. I felt we needed to celebrate. My... husband... was still at the war but he wrote, telling me that he’d be sent home for Catmas later that year. It was one of the happiest days of my life! I decided to buy the best organic chicken I could afford. It was all going well, the kittens loved the smell of real chicken; Grams was making some of her best Ginger Beer. I realized I had forgotten the catnip dressing for the green salad... I remember all this as if it was yesterday... I went back to the shop to get the mugging dressing... and I realized I forgot to switch the stove off.... I ran back to the house and on my way there I saw the explosion... everything went up in smoke and flames!" She couldn’t control her emotions any longer. Minerva bit her ghostly lip and then licked Anna on the forehead. It didn’t make any difference to Anna, because she couldn’t feel it... but somehow she felt comforted.

"It wasn’t your fault. You did switch the stove off. You are obsessive-compulsive, remember? Grams lit her cigarette on the stove and SHE forgot to switch it off. She has Old-Timer’s disease. Which still makes it unintentional."
"You say they aren’t very far away... how can that be? I have searched all over the place for them!"
"You didn’t look in the right place, that’s all" said Minerva warmly.

"Will I see them again? and will I see.... him?

"You’ll just have to be patient. My work here is done. But you will be visited by two more ghosts. Now, try to be a bit nicer to them... this is not an easy job, and we do appreciate kindness and cooperation"

"That’s it? You are leaving me? No answers?.... You don’t know! You don’t know where they are! You are not the most efficient ghost, are you?"-Minerva started fading- "Wait! Wait Don’t go! I didn’t mean that! I was joking! come back!" Anna looked around her in desperation, but she suddenly composed herself. "Bah! Muggerbug! I don’t believe in ghosts anyway. It must be hallucinations due to... well... starvation".

Who knew.... ???

Annie-Jean excitedly ran to help him offload all the yummy food while Sally-Theresa hugged him tight. "This is the best Catmas ever!" she said. Clawde subtly got off her embrace and started setting the Catmas tree. It was already decorated, which would save them a lot of time.

"Mind you, the Angel must´ve fallen off the top on the way here" said Clawde

"Not a problem, I can fix that!"Annie-Jean said, going into the kitchen. She came back with the Rat Roast and a napkin. She cleaned the rat the best she could, climbed on top of a chair and stuck it on top of the tree. "Merry Catmas, Clawde! Merry Catmas, Sally Theresa"

"Merry Catmas, Annie-Jean," Clawde said. "I hope mew girls don´t mind but I invited my brother Arfur and his new furriend Furrnella to spend the day with us. Is that okay?"
Annie-Jean was glowing and leaned against him purring. Sally-Theresa at first frowned, then seemed to get a new idea and purred. "Why, that would be lovely."

When Arfur and Furrnella arrived, Sally-Theresa was extravagant in her praise of Furrnella´s handmade outfit and the chocolate mouse she brought for dessert. She sat between Arfur and Furrnella and said in a low voice, "Annie-Jean tells me your brother is very, very rich and I can see he´s crazy about her."

"Our father, Wee Jock McTartan is rich. We are just starting out in the business world," Arfur told her.
"Is that so? Annie-Jean´s last five fiances were just starting out too but none of them got rich enough fast enough for her. Mew know, I´m surprised she fell for Clawde so fast because she doesn´t really like black cats--especially not long haired ones since they shed on her own purritty silvery fur. I hope she doesn´t break your brother´s heart TOO fast. He seems so nice." Said Sally Theresa cattily, because after all, she was a cat.
.
Oblivious to the catty coments, Annie-Jean and Clawde were having a wonderful time together and Annie-Jean was still smiling when the door shut behind her guests.
"Clawde and I are getting married tomorrow, Sally Theresa. Mew must be my maid of honor."
"Oh, I don´t think so, Annie-Jean. Clawde´s brother told me he is a very good actor but a notorious playboy. He´s only stringing mew along until mew mate with him, then he´ll divorce mew. They have an older brother who has a divorce chapel even and he has got rid of all ten of Clawde´s previous brides."
Annie-Jean (of the past) burst into tears and ran into her room and locked the door while she packed for London. She took the night train and ran away to sell matchbooks on the street--no matches, just the books. That meal was the last warmth or food she was to know until after the new year, when Mogue magazine hired her for the mail room and let her sleep under the table. In time she became Anna Winpurr as it sounded so much more sophisticated.

The next day Clawde, Arfur and Furrnella are waiting happily at the altar, Wee Jock beaming paternally at the thought of seeing his handsome son wed on Catmas day. There was a knock at the chapel door and Sally Theresa was blown in with a gust of freezing snow. She appurred very, very distressed, "Ooooh, Clawdey, I am so sorry to tell mew this. I was afurraid of it and tried to warn your brother and his beautiful furriend but I fear Annie-Jean has done mew like she did all of her other fiances and has jilted mew and left mew at the altar."
Before Clawde can say anything, so shocked and speechless was he that he began mewling into his designer tartan hanky, Wee Jock put a paw around Sally-Theresa´s shoulders.
"What a bonnie wee kitten mew are, my dear, and how good of mew it is to bring us the news. What say we go out for a bit of Catmas haggis and some eccles cakes and talk about mew and me, eh?"
"Oh, mew must be the handsome pater familiar--oooh, that is SO familiar, Laird Wee Jock!" she said as he pinched her tail. "My name is actually Solange and that Annie-Jean is truly no relation. She´s just my roommate. I am a much, much nicer and more principled cat than she is."
"And when are mew coming into see us again, dearie?" wee Jock asked licking her nose.
Giggling and letching, they left the chapel while poor Clawde sobbed into his designer hanky and Furrnella and Arfur tried to comfort him.
Furrnella didn’t quite buy Solange’s story.
"There´s something about that cat I plan to detest," she told Arfur.

Anna Winpurr pinched the bridge of her purrity nose to hold back the tears. All these years she had thought Clawde was a womanizing piece of fur. She was devastated, thinking about how different her life would´ve been if she hadn´t listened to Sally-Theresa. That witch!

Minerva could see the train of thoughts developing in Anna´s head just by looking in her eyes. She gave her a hug, but Anna squirmed,
"What are mew doing?! Get your paws off of me! And don´t condescend me! Anna Winpurr does NOT need pity! Never did! Never will!" she yelled as her voiced cracked and tears started flowing. Minerva held her tighter and let her cry.

Welcome to our NEW Clawless Blog for 2013!

Clawless - The Ultimate Feline Soap Opurra - If you LOVE cats, you'll LOVE this!

Visit here:

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Cat Humour to have you in stitches

Synopsis:

The story begins on a dark and stormy night as the Last Will and Testament of Wee Jock MacTartan is read aloud to his grieving family.  His two sons, Clawde and Arfur and their respective wives, the feisty and slightly over acting, Clawdette and the tiny, kitten-less Furnella. Clawde and Clawdette have one daughter, called Purrdita. 

Their main rival is Solitaire the wicked stepmother who married Wee Jock just days before his final demise to ‘Rainbow Bridge’ and she has plans to take as much as she can and leave the House of Le Claw destitute.  Her attempts are aided and at times, hilariously hampered by a lawyer with a serious catnip habit, Furry Faceon who has embezzled a large amount of the Le Claw cash and is keen to hide the fact from all of them.

Also, if they haven’t got enough to worry about, up pops the evil and sinister Monsieur Le Fluffy. His dastardly intentions are to strike the company while it is vulnerable, with the sole purpose of taking it over completely leaving the Le Claws out in the cold.

Clawdette visits Solitaire to confront her about her evil conniving ways but instead steals the designs which Monsieur Le Fluffy has sent to Solitaire in advance of the next seasons fashion shows, but is this a double bluff or indeed a triple bluff and will Clawdette be able to remember who knows what by the end of it all?

Furnella hides a ‘dark secret’ which she has managed to keep well hidden until a tiny little ginger kitten appears at the front door - seemingly abandoned - and she nearly reveals what it is that troubles her so deeply. Clawdette calls in the pest control but they take her to the pound instead of the kitten and she gets into some very bad company before finally being rescued.

Then, much to Clawdettes despair, she manages to get catnapped and is embarrassed to find that she was held in just another part of the mansion … something the police don’t seem very sympathetic about.

Meanwhile, Clawde and Arfur discover they have a secret brother who is in fact a ‘catpire’ who lives in a castle in Catsylvania.  The entire family suddenly decamp ‘over hill and dale, across ocean and stream, river and rill, and deep into Catsylvania, over the forest, over the torch lit village, above the howling of the wolves and the neighing of the horses’ where the story takes on a slightly surreal quality as the Le Claws battle to stay ahead of the game… and just why do the villagers always carry torches and garlic when they come near the castle? Also what happens when Clawdette takes Clyde to Transylvania’s IKEA and why do they the end up being featured on Furry Springer as ‘I accidentally married my own brother?’

So many questions, with so many answers… you’ll be clawing your way to find out the truth.  The most imaginative soap opurra since Dynasty met Dallas, never has there been so much back stabbing, scheming and double dealing, don’t get caught in the fallout, get caught up in the most juicy story of 2011 ~ Clawless the Soap to end all other Soaps.

From one of the Authors - Christine Wilson

9 writers began this book as a bit of fun, starting on UnitedCats.com - where it started as a series of posts in the models club. I (Christine Wilson) co-edited it together with Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (who also has co-authored many books with bestselling author Anne MacCaffrey) and here it is for you to judge if it was worth it or not. We think it is very funny. All the royalties go to two charities, Bath Cats and Dogs Home and Jefferson Humane Society in Washington State. None of us have met as we all come from all over the world - the USA, Australia, Canada and S. Africa as well as the UK.

 

From the Back Cover

Clawless stars

Kimmy*Pancho*Cisco*The Late Great Treat*Kittibits*
*Boots*Luna*Queenie*Akasha*Lou*Mr*Squishy*
*Rain*Betsey*Mugger*Lilly*Geo*Humphrey*Basil*

 

 

Meet the Le Claw litter - the Late Jock MacTartan and his two sons, Clawde and Arfur and their mates, the feisty (and slightly over acting), Clawdette and the tiny, kitten-less Furnella. What is the dark secret that she is hiding?

Their main rival is Solitaire the wicked stepmother who married Wee Jock just days before his final demise to `Rainbow Bridge' and who has plans to take as much as she can and leave the fashion House of Le Claw destitute.

And, if they haven't got enough to worry about, up pops the evil and sinister Monsieur Le Fluffy. His dastardly intentions are to strike the company while it is at its weakest, with the sole purpose of taking it over completely leaving the Le Claws - clawless!

 

And who is the mysterious Clyde from Castle Clydeula and why does he only come out only after nightfall?

 

The claws are out for the McTartan family!

 

"If your cat made a soap it would be just like this!" Mews of the World
"We'll sue!" Purrsache
"Darlings, this is a must for any season' Mogue.

 

About the Authors

We all have different backgrounds but Christine Wilson started her career in journalism and progressed or digressed into television. I left 5 years ago to pursue a career in writing (my lifetime ambition). I have written The Kimmy Diaries and Kimmy's Irish Diaries plus a few other books under a pen name. Writing about my cat seems to be my greatest success.

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There are more details about all the authors at the Clawless website.

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If you would like to know anything about this book, the charities it supports or have any questions whatsoever, ask away :)


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You can purchase the book from any of the following:

Amazon UK

Amazon USA

Barnes and Noble

Authors Online

Thanks from all the Clawless Crew!